This week has been one of the better ones that I've had in a month. Some of the weight I've been carrying around has felt like its been lifted or at least lightened a little. Until today. Today, I have felt irritated and angry. The slightest things set me off. I recognize that these emotions are irrational but I cannot seem to control them. I began to wonder, "why today?" And then I remembered that tomorrow I have my post-op follow up appointment. Tomorrow, I have to relive one of the worst days of my life. Tomorrow, I have to look at pictures from my surgery and ask questions that I need answers to because I was too groggy from anesthesia when the doctor came in and talked to me after surgery. Tomorrow, I have to discuss further testing and my body's ability to carry future children. I'm angry today because I wonder if my world will come crashing down again tomorrow.
Technically, it's already tomorrow. I have a lot to do before my appointment. First of which is sleep! I'm going to keep my mind occupied until then and no matter the outcome, I'm going to spend tomorrow evening with my family and friends, being thankful for the life I have even if it's not the life I imagined a month ago.
Friday, June 13, 2014
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
Words on a Screen
Every night I go to bed with a pit in my stomach, a deep, dark abyss of anxiety mixed with grief and depression and every morning I wake up to the same thing. During the day, when my mind and attention is focused on something else I don't notice it as much but it's still there. It's a physical ache constantly reminding me of all that I've lost, all that I've been through. I feel at war with my emotions. I wish the pit would go away but I don't want to forget.
I wonder. I wonder what gender my baby would have been. I wonder if this might have been the baby that looked a little more like me and a little less like Ryan. I wonder what we would have named him or her. I wonder what Christmas would have been like with me being only a couple of days away from a c-section. I wonder what the new year would have looked like being a family of five. I wonder who this child would have grown up to be. I wonder.
I had a bad day today. I had a bad day yesterday. Neither incident had anything to do with my ectopic pregnancy or surgery. It's just that once something really awful happens to you, even minor inconveniences seem like major problems. I don't want to keep score but I find myself counting the crappy things that have happened to me since my surgery. I could list five right now. I know what your thinking. Jessica, count your blessings. Don't focus on the negative, focus on the positive. You have so much to be thankful for. You want the truth? All I hear is blah, blah, blah. Literally, right now, the thought of someone saying that to me is making my heart race and I want to hit something. It's not that you're wrong. I do have so much to be thankful for and I probably should be counting my blessings. I just can't. Not right now, not in this moment, anyway.
What kid on the planet isn't obsessed with Frozen right now? I know that my Abigail is. I hear a rendition of "Let it Go" several times a day. She sings it with such conviction. I want to be Elsa. I want to freaking let it go but I can't. Maybe it's because it's too soon or maybe it's because I'm stubborn. I don't know. There isn't really a step by step guide on how to go about this. I just know that I want to shake the oppression but I'm not really ready to let go of it, just yet. I don't want to feel bad anymore but I don't know how to feel anything else right now.
Writing/blogging let's me breathe. It helps me to deal with and better understand what I'm feeling. I'm usually unaware of what I'm going to say. It's when I feel "heavy" emotionally that I turn to the computer and my fingers fly across the keyboard. When I'm finished, I feel a little lighter and I sleep a little better. Maybe one day, you'll come to my blog and find a recipe or a more uplifting post but for the time being, I can't promise anything more than what I've been giving you. This is real. This is me. This is who I am at this moment in time. I'm surviving only by the grace of God and my words on a screen.
I wonder. I wonder what gender my baby would have been. I wonder if this might have been the baby that looked a little more like me and a little less like Ryan. I wonder what we would have named him or her. I wonder what Christmas would have been like with me being only a couple of days away from a c-section. I wonder what the new year would have looked like being a family of five. I wonder who this child would have grown up to be. I wonder.
I had a bad day today. I had a bad day yesterday. Neither incident had anything to do with my ectopic pregnancy or surgery. It's just that once something really awful happens to you, even minor inconveniences seem like major problems. I don't want to keep score but I find myself counting the crappy things that have happened to me since my surgery. I could list five right now. I know what your thinking. Jessica, count your blessings. Don't focus on the negative, focus on the positive. You have so much to be thankful for. You want the truth? All I hear is blah, blah, blah. Literally, right now, the thought of someone saying that to me is making my heart race and I want to hit something. It's not that you're wrong. I do have so much to be thankful for and I probably should be counting my blessings. I just can't. Not right now, not in this moment, anyway.
What kid on the planet isn't obsessed with Frozen right now? I know that my Abigail is. I hear a rendition of "Let it Go" several times a day. She sings it with such conviction. I want to be Elsa. I want to freaking let it go but I can't. Maybe it's because it's too soon or maybe it's because I'm stubborn. I don't know. There isn't really a step by step guide on how to go about this. I just know that I want to shake the oppression but I'm not really ready to let go of it, just yet. I don't want to feel bad anymore but I don't know how to feel anything else right now.
Writing/blogging let's me breathe. It helps me to deal with and better understand what I'm feeling. I'm usually unaware of what I'm going to say. It's when I feel "heavy" emotionally that I turn to the computer and my fingers fly across the keyboard. When I'm finished, I feel a little lighter and I sleep a little better. Maybe one day, you'll come to my blog and find a recipe or a more uplifting post but for the time being, I can't promise anything more than what I've been giving you. This is real. This is me. This is who I am at this moment in time. I'm surviving only by the grace of God and my words on a screen.
Sunday, June 1, 2014
People Are Important
I've never been what you would call a people person. Even in high school I preferred to stay at home, put on my pj's, and watch TV rather than going to the movies or dinner with friends. I'm not saying that I didn't do those things but there were just as many times as I turned down offers as times that I accepted them. I thought of myself as an extrovert but the older I get the more introverted I realize that I am.
Being a stay at home mom has only made it worse. My oldest is going to be 7 later this year. Once I had her, I stayed home and pretty much had no social life. My husband worked weird hours so it was mostly me and Abba all the time. When the opportunity to be in a social situation arose, I found it hard to communicate with others. My brain felt mushy and I realized that I didn't have a lot in common with most of the people I found myself around. These awkward situations, pushed me further into my shell, so to speak, and it truly became difficult to make friends. The amount of effort it required to make a friend and be a friend just wasn't worth it in my opinion and I wasn't a people person.
As a teenager and young adult, I was self-confident. I felt like I knew who I was and I was OK with that person. I honestly didn't care about what people thought of me. Now, at 31, I feel more insecure than ever. I still feel awkward in most social situations, I still find it difficult to make and maintain friendships, and I have to fight hard against the urge to stay cooped up at home and never go anywhere other than the grocery store. I find myself wondering what people think of me and actually caring. I'm no longer sure if I like me.
I constantly feel like a failure as a mother. That feeling is exacerbated by my ectopic pregnancy. I struggle with feeling like I failed the child that was taken from me. Rationally, I realize that I can't control everything that happens in my body but a lot of our feelings are irrational, right? People keep telling me to grieve. But how can I? I have two other children who depend on me and are always around. My husband works a job where I may only see him a couple hours total during the day. I'm responsible for everything and everyone in my house. If I cry, my oldest constantly asks if I'm crying and why I'm crying. It's just a rough situation all around. These last two weeks have felt like hell and it doesn't seem like that feeling is going to let up anytime soon.
Before my husband returned from deployment and I moved back to Fort Polk he suggested that I send a Facebook friend request to the wife of another soldier in his unit that lived on our street. I had only met her once before and while she seemed nice, I didn't really know her. Being the introverted, non-people person that I am, I cringed at the thought. It would be so weird, right? To receive a friend request from someone you met once and probably don't even remember. He had to convince me to do it but I did. I typed a short message to go along with it, trying to be as un-weird (is that a word?) as possible. I felt sick. Why are things like that so hard for me? Anyway, being the nice person that she was, she accepted my request and sent a nice message back. Whew! Maybe she didn't think I was as creepery as I felt.
What I didn't know or even expect was that friend request would change my life. We hit it off after a few awkward moments when we first met in person. Our husbands came back from deployment and I figured that it would kind of be the end of things. Maybe we'd get together once in a while on our own but I doubted that the husbands would be involved. Truth is, it's very rare for Ryan and I to actually like the same people. Ha. I know that sounds bad but it is what it is. I was wrong and I'm really glad. I'm thankful for all the texts, Facebook messages, and so forth that I've received from family and friends since my surgery but nothing beats having a physical presence in your life that helps you out, comforts you, lets you sob uncontrollably on your living room sofa without judgement, and after seeing you ugly cry, still wants to be your friend! I can't imagine having gone through this without the extra support and care of our friends.
Whether you're a people person or not, one thing that I've learned is, people are important. You may not always like everyone you meet. There are some people out there that make me want to stay in my shell and not take the chance. But without taking a chance on people, you risk never having your life changed by others. No matter where life takes us or where we end up, I will never be able to reflect upon this time in my life without thinking about the friends who made it easier. I'm sure they don't even realize they are doing it. Half the time when my heart is hurting and I'm feeling sorry for myself, my phone goes off with a text to see how I'm feeling, or a funny picture that makes me laugh, or a well-timed friendly "insult". And most evenings, four lounge chairs at the end of a driveway are healing my heart and nobody knows it but me.
And now all of you! Ha ha!
Being a stay at home mom has only made it worse. My oldest is going to be 7 later this year. Once I had her, I stayed home and pretty much had no social life. My husband worked weird hours so it was mostly me and Abba all the time. When the opportunity to be in a social situation arose, I found it hard to communicate with others. My brain felt mushy and I realized that I didn't have a lot in common with most of the people I found myself around. These awkward situations, pushed me further into my shell, so to speak, and it truly became difficult to make friends. The amount of effort it required to make a friend and be a friend just wasn't worth it in my opinion and I wasn't a people person.
As a teenager and young adult, I was self-confident. I felt like I knew who I was and I was OK with that person. I honestly didn't care about what people thought of me. Now, at 31, I feel more insecure than ever. I still feel awkward in most social situations, I still find it difficult to make and maintain friendships, and I have to fight hard against the urge to stay cooped up at home and never go anywhere other than the grocery store. I find myself wondering what people think of me and actually caring. I'm no longer sure if I like me.
I constantly feel like a failure as a mother. That feeling is exacerbated by my ectopic pregnancy. I struggle with feeling like I failed the child that was taken from me. Rationally, I realize that I can't control everything that happens in my body but a lot of our feelings are irrational, right? People keep telling me to grieve. But how can I? I have two other children who depend on me and are always around. My husband works a job where I may only see him a couple hours total during the day. I'm responsible for everything and everyone in my house. If I cry, my oldest constantly asks if I'm crying and why I'm crying. It's just a rough situation all around. These last two weeks have felt like hell and it doesn't seem like that feeling is going to let up anytime soon.
Before my husband returned from deployment and I moved back to Fort Polk he suggested that I send a Facebook friend request to the wife of another soldier in his unit that lived on our street. I had only met her once before and while she seemed nice, I didn't really know her. Being the introverted, non-people person that I am, I cringed at the thought. It would be so weird, right? To receive a friend request from someone you met once and probably don't even remember. He had to convince me to do it but I did. I typed a short message to go along with it, trying to be as un-weird (is that a word?) as possible. I felt sick. Why are things like that so hard for me? Anyway, being the nice person that she was, she accepted my request and sent a nice message back. Whew! Maybe she didn't think I was as creepery as I felt.
What I didn't know or even expect was that friend request would change my life. We hit it off after a few awkward moments when we first met in person. Our husbands came back from deployment and I figured that it would kind of be the end of things. Maybe we'd get together once in a while on our own but I doubted that the husbands would be involved. Truth is, it's very rare for Ryan and I to actually like the same people. Ha. I know that sounds bad but it is what it is. I was wrong and I'm really glad. I'm thankful for all the texts, Facebook messages, and so forth that I've received from family and friends since my surgery but nothing beats having a physical presence in your life that helps you out, comforts you, lets you sob uncontrollably on your living room sofa without judgement, and after seeing you ugly cry, still wants to be your friend! I can't imagine having gone through this without the extra support and care of our friends.
Whether you're a people person or not, one thing that I've learned is, people are important. You may not always like everyone you meet. There are some people out there that make me want to stay in my shell and not take the chance. But without taking a chance on people, you risk never having your life changed by others. No matter where life takes us or where we end up, I will never be able to reflect upon this time in my life without thinking about the friends who made it easier. I'm sure they don't even realize they are doing it. Half the time when my heart is hurting and I'm feeling sorry for myself, my phone goes off with a text to see how I'm feeling, or a funny picture that makes me laugh, or a well-timed friendly "insult". And most evenings, four lounge chairs at the end of a driveway are healing my heart and nobody knows it but me.
And now all of you! Ha ha!
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Beneath the Waves
Have you ever been robbed?
I remember when I was in first grade, maybe kindergarten, my best friends house was robbed. I went home with her after school to spend the night and when we walked into her house it was immediately evident that someone had broken in and stolen things. I remember being so scared. It wasn't my house or my things but I still felt a sense of discomfort and paranoia. Their privacy had been invaded and even as a small child it felt gross and shameful. Not that they had anything to be shameful about but it just felt wrong.
I feel those same feelings today. Except it isn't my home that's been invaded it's my body. It's my heart. I wish that I would have had a miscarriage. That I could've understood. It would have been hard and painful and I'm sure I would be feeling some of the same things that I'm feeling right now. But this, this feels wrong, and shameful. I was forced to do something I would have never done under other circumstances. My body didn't reject my baby and dispel of it. I was robbed. My baby was taken from me. Stolen. At least it feels that way. I know that my baby couldn't survive in my Fallopian tube and I know had the pregnancy continued much further then I may not have survived either but the whole situation just feels wrong.
The pain comes in waves. I think I'm doing fine and out of know where I'm drowning or it feels that way. One summer when I was a kid, my family rented some motel rooms or something on Tybee Island. I grew up in a small town about an hour south west of there. My dad had rented us some "boogie boards" and he would push us off on a wave and my brother and I would ride the wave to the shore and then swim back out with our boards to meet my dad for another round. We had been at it for a while and the waves were getting bigger. My dad said this was the last wave for the day. I don't remember being pushed into the wave by my dad but I do remember the wave overtaking me and me and my board tumbling over and over beneath the water. I desperately wanted air. I needed to reach the surface. I began to panic and then my face made contact with the ocean floor. I was now in shallow water near the shore. My mouth and nose were filled with sand and I was bleeding mostly from scratches from the sand and probably my face hitting so hard. That was the end of that beach day for us. I don't remember a lot else about that vacation, just some snippets here and there but I remember that moment like it was yesterday.
The grief and pain over this unexpected loss is much like that. Most days I'm coasting the waves but on others I'm tumbling beneath the surface unable to breath. Unlike the bloody face and the sand in my mouth and nose, I have no physical evidence of my loss, at least not by outward appearance. I don't go around with my stomach hanging out so very few have seen my physical scars. It's a very private pain. People ask how I'm doing and I say I'm fine or I'm ok because I don't think people really want to hear that I feel like I'm drowning on dry land. I mean, life goes on right? Should I be over this by now? I don't know how I'll ever really get over it. I know one day the pain will lessen, I just don't know when that day will come.
My mind constantly feels like it's moving in a hundred different directions at once. It makes it hard to sleep at night. And it's at night, when I'm completely alone with my thoughts that it hurts the worst. Even thought my pregnancy was still in the beginning stages, between 7 and 8 weeks, plans had already began to form in my mind and heart. It's hard thinking about Christmas to come when just a couple of weeks ago, I thought we'd be getting ready for a new arrival by then. Then I begin to blame myself. Is it because I wasn't excited enough when I found out? It was a complete shock after it taking so long to get pregnant with our two girls. I had only been not pregnant for 5 months.
So I lay here, wrestling with these thoughts and my grief unable to sleep. I wonder if I'll ever feel like myself again?
I remember when I was in first grade, maybe kindergarten, my best friends house was robbed. I went home with her after school to spend the night and when we walked into her house it was immediately evident that someone had broken in and stolen things. I remember being so scared. It wasn't my house or my things but I still felt a sense of discomfort and paranoia. Their privacy had been invaded and even as a small child it felt gross and shameful. Not that they had anything to be shameful about but it just felt wrong.
I feel those same feelings today. Except it isn't my home that's been invaded it's my body. It's my heart. I wish that I would have had a miscarriage. That I could've understood. It would have been hard and painful and I'm sure I would be feeling some of the same things that I'm feeling right now. But this, this feels wrong, and shameful. I was forced to do something I would have never done under other circumstances. My body didn't reject my baby and dispel of it. I was robbed. My baby was taken from me. Stolen. At least it feels that way. I know that my baby couldn't survive in my Fallopian tube and I know had the pregnancy continued much further then I may not have survived either but the whole situation just feels wrong.
The pain comes in waves. I think I'm doing fine and out of know where I'm drowning or it feels that way. One summer when I was a kid, my family rented some motel rooms or something on Tybee Island. I grew up in a small town about an hour south west of there. My dad had rented us some "boogie boards" and he would push us off on a wave and my brother and I would ride the wave to the shore and then swim back out with our boards to meet my dad for another round. We had been at it for a while and the waves were getting bigger. My dad said this was the last wave for the day. I don't remember being pushed into the wave by my dad but I do remember the wave overtaking me and me and my board tumbling over and over beneath the water. I desperately wanted air. I needed to reach the surface. I began to panic and then my face made contact with the ocean floor. I was now in shallow water near the shore. My mouth and nose were filled with sand and I was bleeding mostly from scratches from the sand and probably my face hitting so hard. That was the end of that beach day for us. I don't remember a lot else about that vacation, just some snippets here and there but I remember that moment like it was yesterday.
The grief and pain over this unexpected loss is much like that. Most days I'm coasting the waves but on others I'm tumbling beneath the surface unable to breath. Unlike the bloody face and the sand in my mouth and nose, I have no physical evidence of my loss, at least not by outward appearance. I don't go around with my stomach hanging out so very few have seen my physical scars. It's a very private pain. People ask how I'm doing and I say I'm fine or I'm ok because I don't think people really want to hear that I feel like I'm drowning on dry land. I mean, life goes on right? Should I be over this by now? I don't know how I'll ever really get over it. I know one day the pain will lessen, I just don't know when that day will come.
My mind constantly feels like it's moving in a hundred different directions at once. It makes it hard to sleep at night. And it's at night, when I'm completely alone with my thoughts that it hurts the worst. Even thought my pregnancy was still in the beginning stages, between 7 and 8 weeks, plans had already began to form in my mind and heart. It's hard thinking about Christmas to come when just a couple of weeks ago, I thought we'd be getting ready for a new arrival by then. Then I begin to blame myself. Is it because I wasn't excited enough when I found out? It was a complete shock after it taking so long to get pregnant with our two girls. I had only been not pregnant for 5 months.
So I lay here, wrestling with these thoughts and my grief unable to sleep. I wonder if I'll ever feel like myself again?
Sunday, May 18, 2014
My Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day
Yesterday, I had one of the worst days of my life.
It started out like any Saturday morning with Charlotte playing and making noises and me not wanting to get up yet. A quick trip to the bathroom and the beginning of my terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day began. Anyone remember that book? Well the title definitely fits.
What most of you wont know is that about 3 weeks ago I found out that I was pregnant. It came as a shock considering that Charlotte is only 5 months old and it took me significant amounts of time to get pregnant with both girls. I never expected it to happen so fast. It took me a few days to get over my shock but we were happy and hoping for a boy this go around considering that I was planning on having my tubes tied after the c-section with this baby. Having two sections so close together and it being my third, I figured that my body couldn't handle much more.
At this point, I'd only had blood work at the hospital lab to confirm the pregnancy. I hadn't seen a doctor yet as the military has their own way of doing things. So when I noticed blood while I was in the bathroom I woke up my husband to take me to the emergency room and called my friend to watch our girls.
After the girls were taken care of, off we went. The ER doctor explained that the bleeding could be cause by numerous things including miscarriage but at that point it would be hard to tell and most likely I would be sent home and come back on Monday to have repeat blood work to test my hormone levels. They needed to do several test there though including an ultrasound to rule out ectopic pregnancy. I had this done with Charlotte due to intense pain in my left ovary region which turned out to be a pretty large cyst on my ovary that went away by 20 weeks. So, I was sure that because I was having no pain that ectopic was most likely not the cause.
The ultrasound took much longer than I anticipated and the only info the tech gave me was very cryptic in nature. I knew then that something was wrong. Once I was back in my room the nurse came in to recheck my vitals and I could tell by the way she acted that it wasn't good news.
Finally the ER doctor came in and confirmed my fears. It did indeed look like there was a mass near my right ovary and there was no evidence of anything in my uterus. They were calling the OB on call to come in and confirm and I would most likely be having surgery to remove my tube and my baby. The news was devastating and heart breaking. I never expected for my world to be rocked and turned upside down that Saturday morning.
As a side note, I want to say that I am so thankful for the friendships in my life but this weekend confirmed for me that, it isn't who you've known the longest or how long you've even known someone at all, there are just some people you meet that invest in your life and love you from the get-go. I've only known Stephanie since February of this year and didn't know her husband until Ryan's unit came back from Afghanistan but these two are the best friends a girl could have. They took my girls in like their own and when things went south Stephanie left the kids in Bart's hands and came and sat with me and Ryan until they took me back for surgery. They cooked us dinner and kept my girls overnight. I'm not one to usually make friends quickly much less trust someone besides family to take care of my girls overnight but they love my girls like their own and I couldn't ask for more. Thank you Stephanie and Bart. You made my horrible day a little less sucky and I'll never forget that.
The surgery went well, I guess you can say. The doctor came in and talked to me after I woke up in recovery but I don't remember much. I should be having a follow up on Monday and I need to have another test since there seemed to be scarring on my left tube. We do not want a repeat of what happened yesterday.
So I'm resting and dealing the best I can. Right now everything seems surreal and I haven really felt the depth of what has happened to me. I'm sure when that day comes it won't be very pleasant. In the meantime my husband is taking good care of me and my friends are filling in for the family who can't be here. At this point, our friends are our family and I'm so grateful.
We ask for your prayers as I recover and we mourn the loss of our third child. Love to you all!
It started out like any Saturday morning with Charlotte playing and making noises and me not wanting to get up yet. A quick trip to the bathroom and the beginning of my terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day began. Anyone remember that book? Well the title definitely fits.
What most of you wont know is that about 3 weeks ago I found out that I was pregnant. It came as a shock considering that Charlotte is only 5 months old and it took me significant amounts of time to get pregnant with both girls. I never expected it to happen so fast. It took me a few days to get over my shock but we were happy and hoping for a boy this go around considering that I was planning on having my tubes tied after the c-section with this baby. Having two sections so close together and it being my third, I figured that my body couldn't handle much more.
At this point, I'd only had blood work at the hospital lab to confirm the pregnancy. I hadn't seen a doctor yet as the military has their own way of doing things. So when I noticed blood while I was in the bathroom I woke up my husband to take me to the emergency room and called my friend to watch our girls.
After the girls were taken care of, off we went. The ER doctor explained that the bleeding could be cause by numerous things including miscarriage but at that point it would be hard to tell and most likely I would be sent home and come back on Monday to have repeat blood work to test my hormone levels. They needed to do several test there though including an ultrasound to rule out ectopic pregnancy. I had this done with Charlotte due to intense pain in my left ovary region which turned out to be a pretty large cyst on my ovary that went away by 20 weeks. So, I was sure that because I was having no pain that ectopic was most likely not the cause.
The ultrasound took much longer than I anticipated and the only info the tech gave me was very cryptic in nature. I knew then that something was wrong. Once I was back in my room the nurse came in to recheck my vitals and I could tell by the way she acted that it wasn't good news.
Finally the ER doctor came in and confirmed my fears. It did indeed look like there was a mass near my right ovary and there was no evidence of anything in my uterus. They were calling the OB on call to come in and confirm and I would most likely be having surgery to remove my tube and my baby. The news was devastating and heart breaking. I never expected for my world to be rocked and turned upside down that Saturday morning.
As a side note, I want to say that I am so thankful for the friendships in my life but this weekend confirmed for me that, it isn't who you've known the longest or how long you've even known someone at all, there are just some people you meet that invest in your life and love you from the get-go. I've only known Stephanie since February of this year and didn't know her husband until Ryan's unit came back from Afghanistan but these two are the best friends a girl could have. They took my girls in like their own and when things went south Stephanie left the kids in Bart's hands and came and sat with me and Ryan until they took me back for surgery. They cooked us dinner and kept my girls overnight. I'm not one to usually make friends quickly much less trust someone besides family to take care of my girls overnight but they love my girls like their own and I couldn't ask for more. Thank you Stephanie and Bart. You made my horrible day a little less sucky and I'll never forget that.
The surgery went well, I guess you can say. The doctor came in and talked to me after I woke up in recovery but I don't remember much. I should be having a follow up on Monday and I need to have another test since there seemed to be scarring on my left tube. We do not want a repeat of what happened yesterday.
So I'm resting and dealing the best I can. Right now everything seems surreal and I haven really felt the depth of what has happened to me. I'm sure when that day comes it won't be very pleasant. In the meantime my husband is taking good care of me and my friends are filling in for the family who can't be here. At this point, our friends are our family and I'm so grateful.
We ask for your prayers as I recover and we mourn the loss of our third child. Love to you all!
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
My Hero, My Friend
I love my husband!
In June, we will have been married for 11 years! What? It doesn't seem possible when I think about it. I was a baby when I got married. I was only 20 years old and full of preconceived notions and fairytale dreams about marriage and what it was like. It didn't matter how many marriage books my parent's made me read or how many times my dad told me that "love is blind but marriage is an eye opener," I still went in to marriage with the wrong idea, that somehow it was easy. The, "and they lived happily ever after," is a big pile of cow manure if you ask me. I'm sure there is not one married couple out there that will say they've been happy every day that they've been married. If they do, I say they are lying and you can't change my mind. Ha!
Our marriage has had it's fair share of dark days. Days where I wondered if it was really worth it at all. I'm sure he would tell you the same thing. I am not an easy person to live with. I'll admit it. I can be negative and moody. I speak without thinking. I'm selfish and think only of my own needs and wants. I'm not proud of it. I'm ashamed really. In the last couple of years, I have really begun to see and try and change the negative things in my life. I'm not saying I've figured it out completely but half the battle is recognizing it, right?
Marriage is hard and if you really want it to work, you have to WORK! It's not in our nature to put other people's needs above our own. We are born with an innate ability to look out for number one. Some people are better at it than others, I guess, but I'm not one of those people. It's sinful and shameful but it's the truth. One sure fire way to turn things around in a marriage that is lacking is to start putting your spouse above yourself. Sometimes that means doing things that you do not want to do. At first, it will be hard and you may find yourself bitter about the situation but I promise, if you keep WORKING at it, one day you'll find yourself doing something that you used to hate and realize that you are enjoying it. Not because it's your thing but because you are doing it with your spouse and making them happy makes you happy. Funny how that works. Once you have the hang of that, you'll find yourself looking for ways to make your spouse happy and can I just say, happy spouse, happy marriage. And my friends, they will reciprocate. Maybe not at first. They may wonder what you're up to in the beginning! If things have been difficult, you've been difficult, they may be gun-shy but you keep it up, they'll come around. Trust me, I know.
In the beginning, when my husband joined the Army, people asked me all the time how I felt about it or why now? He was 30 after all. If you graduated from a Christian college designed to prepare you for ministry and you join the military and not as a chaplain, you get weird looks and awkward silences. At first, it was hard to answer. It caught most people by surprise but the truth is, we'd fought about him joining the military for years. It was just a mostly private war that few people knew about. I was completely against it. You can read all about my thoughts on him joining the Army and me becoming and Army wife here. But in the end, it was the right thing for him and the right thing for us. I know I've posted a lot lately about my anxiety and depression over the last month waiting for him to come home from deployment. Yes, this past month has been particularly tough but I will still tell you that this was the right decision for our family. I have had more peace, more stability, more love for my husband in this season of life than any previously before. I came across this quote on Pinterest a while back and it sums up how I feel about him being in the Army, "you know you've made the right decision when there is peace in your heart."
Peace? Really? Isn't your husband in a war zone where people want to kill him? Yes, yes he is but that still hasn't erased the peace in my heart. I may be a mess right now but it's not so much worry about him but just the all consuming need for him to be home and for our family to be whole again. Because you see, right now, this is not a dark day of marriage. The sun is shining, I'm a better person, my husband is loving what he does, and we are truly best friends. It's taken a lot of work to get us to this place and it will continue to take work, really hard work. But it's worth it. It is SO WORTH IT! I want to enjoy this season of our marriage together, not apart.
I love my husband! My hero. My friend.
In June, we will have been married for 11 years! What? It doesn't seem possible when I think about it. I was a baby when I got married. I was only 20 years old and full of preconceived notions and fairytale dreams about marriage and what it was like. It didn't matter how many marriage books my parent's made me read or how many times my dad told me that "love is blind but marriage is an eye opener," I still went in to marriage with the wrong idea, that somehow it was easy. The, "and they lived happily ever after," is a big pile of cow manure if you ask me. I'm sure there is not one married couple out there that will say they've been happy every day that they've been married. If they do, I say they are lying and you can't change my mind. Ha!
Our marriage has had it's fair share of dark days. Days where I wondered if it was really worth it at all. I'm sure he would tell you the same thing. I am not an easy person to live with. I'll admit it. I can be negative and moody. I speak without thinking. I'm selfish and think only of my own needs and wants. I'm not proud of it. I'm ashamed really. In the last couple of years, I have really begun to see and try and change the negative things in my life. I'm not saying I've figured it out completely but half the battle is recognizing it, right?
Marriage is hard and if you really want it to work, you have to WORK! It's not in our nature to put other people's needs above our own. We are born with an innate ability to look out for number one. Some people are better at it than others, I guess, but I'm not one of those people. It's sinful and shameful but it's the truth. One sure fire way to turn things around in a marriage that is lacking is to start putting your spouse above yourself. Sometimes that means doing things that you do not want to do. At first, it will be hard and you may find yourself bitter about the situation but I promise, if you keep WORKING at it, one day you'll find yourself doing something that you used to hate and realize that you are enjoying it. Not because it's your thing but because you are doing it with your spouse and making them happy makes you happy. Funny how that works. Once you have the hang of that, you'll find yourself looking for ways to make your spouse happy and can I just say, happy spouse, happy marriage. And my friends, they will reciprocate. Maybe not at first. They may wonder what you're up to in the beginning! If things have been difficult, you've been difficult, they may be gun-shy but you keep it up, they'll come around. Trust me, I know.
In the beginning, when my husband joined the Army, people asked me all the time how I felt about it or why now? He was 30 after all. If you graduated from a Christian college designed to prepare you for ministry and you join the military and not as a chaplain, you get weird looks and awkward silences. At first, it was hard to answer. It caught most people by surprise but the truth is, we'd fought about him joining the military for years. It was just a mostly private war that few people knew about. I was completely against it. You can read all about my thoughts on him joining the Army and me becoming and Army wife here. But in the end, it was the right thing for him and the right thing for us. I know I've posted a lot lately about my anxiety and depression over the last month waiting for him to come home from deployment. Yes, this past month has been particularly tough but I will still tell you that this was the right decision for our family. I have had more peace, more stability, more love for my husband in this season of life than any previously before. I came across this quote on Pinterest a while back and it sums up how I feel about him being in the Army, "you know you've made the right decision when there is peace in your heart."
Peace? Really? Isn't your husband in a war zone where people want to kill him? Yes, yes he is but that still hasn't erased the peace in my heart. I may be a mess right now but it's not so much worry about him but just the all consuming need for him to be home and for our family to be whole again. Because you see, right now, this is not a dark day of marriage. The sun is shining, I'm a better person, my husband is loving what he does, and we are truly best friends. It's taken a lot of work to get us to this place and it will continue to take work, really hard work. But it's worth it. It is SO WORTH IT! I want to enjoy this season of our marriage together, not apart.
I love my husband! My hero. My friend.
Monday, February 24, 2014
Hurry Up and Wait
At the end of this week, I'll have been back in Louisiana for a month. On the days where both girls are crying, I'm tired, and there are a million things to get done, I feel like I've been here forever. I feel like there is no end in sight. On other days when the sun is shining (a rare thing since we've been back), everything is quiet, my girls are smiling and happy, and I feel OK, I'm amazed at the length of time that has passed. I'm amazed that I've done it on my own. I knew coming back without my husband being home would be hard but there was just really no good time to come home and get our lives on a schedule before he comes back so we bit the bullet and just did it. It's been good for us. I've gotten things done and the house mostly in order. Abigail has gotten acclimated in a new school and Charlotte is finally comfortable in a new place and on a good routine. So now we are just waiting. Waiting is truly the hard part.
Nearly three years ago, when we were in a different situation, we were in a waiting period and I was having a hard time. You can read about that here. Waiting has never been my strong suit. I get frustrated, irritated, and upset. I just want what I want and I want it now. It's not a very Godly attitude and it's something I constantly have to work on and pray about. I try and distract myself or find something else to do when the wait seems excessive. But when you are a stay at home mom (which I wouldn't trade for the world) there is only so much cleaning, cooking, diaper changing you can do. So, I find myself sometimes with empty moments and in those moments my mind and heart are at war with each other. My mind tells me the facts, things I know to be true but my heart, it likes to ignore my mind and tell me something completely different. It makes me worry and feel frustrated. It reminds me that I'm lonely and anxious. I then try and remind myself of the facts and let my mind be in charge but it's easier said than done. I'm ready, beyond ready, for this season of life to be over. I'm ready for the elephant to get off my chest and for the rock in my stomach to disappear. I know, that we may find ourselves in a similar season again and maybe next time I'll be stronger and more ready for what's to come but for now, the end is near and I am extremely glad.
One of the things that I've been waiting on recently finally happened. I had thought all along, once this one things happens, I'll feel better for sure. But I don't. Not really. Now, I just have a new set of things to worry about and stress over. I guess in life, there are always things, no matter what your situation, that can drag you down, make you worry, fill mind and heart with stress and it's what you do in those situations that matter. I'm not proud of all my moments. There are times when I let it all control me instead of surrendering it and letting it go. But today, today is a new day. Today is a new chance to let it go and focus on the good.
There is an old adage that when I'm in the middle of letting the stress and anxiety control me, irritates me to no end but when I'm thinking clearly, it's a good reminder that better things are still to come..."This too shall pass." And it shall. There will come a moment in time, when deployment will be officially over. My husband will be home and our family will be whole again. Maybe then, I'll be able to look back over this time and see some good in it, instead of all the heartache, loneliness, sleepless nights, and anxiety that come at me from all sides now. So, for now, on this day, I'm choosing to breathe deeply, finish my coffee, and focus on the good. Like the beautiful baby sleeping away in her swing.
Nearly three years ago, when we were in a different situation, we were in a waiting period and I was having a hard time. You can read about that here. Waiting has never been my strong suit. I get frustrated, irritated, and upset. I just want what I want and I want it now. It's not a very Godly attitude and it's something I constantly have to work on and pray about. I try and distract myself or find something else to do when the wait seems excessive. But when you are a stay at home mom (which I wouldn't trade for the world) there is only so much cleaning, cooking, diaper changing you can do. So, I find myself sometimes with empty moments and in those moments my mind and heart are at war with each other. My mind tells me the facts, things I know to be true but my heart, it likes to ignore my mind and tell me something completely different. It makes me worry and feel frustrated. It reminds me that I'm lonely and anxious. I then try and remind myself of the facts and let my mind be in charge but it's easier said than done. I'm ready, beyond ready, for this season of life to be over. I'm ready for the elephant to get off my chest and for the rock in my stomach to disappear. I know, that we may find ourselves in a similar season again and maybe next time I'll be stronger and more ready for what's to come but for now, the end is near and I am extremely glad.
One of the things that I've been waiting on recently finally happened. I had thought all along, once this one things happens, I'll feel better for sure. But I don't. Not really. Now, I just have a new set of things to worry about and stress over. I guess in life, there are always things, no matter what your situation, that can drag you down, make you worry, fill mind and heart with stress and it's what you do in those situations that matter. I'm not proud of all my moments. There are times when I let it all control me instead of surrendering it and letting it go. But today, today is a new day. Today is a new chance to let it go and focus on the good.
There is an old adage that when I'm in the middle of letting the stress and anxiety control me, irritates me to no end but when I'm thinking clearly, it's a good reminder that better things are still to come..."This too shall pass." And it shall. There will come a moment in time, when deployment will be officially over. My husband will be home and our family will be whole again. Maybe then, I'll be able to look back over this time and see some good in it, instead of all the heartache, loneliness, sleepless nights, and anxiety that come at me from all sides now. So, for now, on this day, I'm choosing to breathe deeply, finish my coffee, and focus on the good. Like the beautiful baby sleeping away in her swing.
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