Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Is This Really My Life?

Is this really my life?

That's the question I keep asking myself lately.

Knowing something is a reality and being prepared for that reality are two totally different things.

I feel like my life has been a series of changes for the last couple of years. Some of them I've dealt with better than others. While my husband struggled with what he was supposed to do with his life, we picked up and moved 4 states away. Those plans fell through and we found ourselves stuck in a place we didn't really care for and my husband with a job he didn't really like. Another move across town and we finally settled into a church and I felt happy once again. I made friends. My husband on the other hand, was miserable. And I'm not using that word lightly. It got so bad that I finally had enough and told him that he needed to figure out what it was that he wanted to do with his life. At that point I no longer cared what it was, I just knew that he needed a change and he needed one quick. We'd argued and fought about him joining the military for at least eight years. I was totally against it and threatened and whined and acted like a toddler throwing a tantrum anytime the topic was broached. You can read more about that here. At this point, I knew in my heart that this was the direction we were headed and let him know that if that was what he decided that I was behind him all the way.

Last year, I became an Army wife. He went to training for about 7 months and Abigail and I moved back to Florida to be near my family. It was a hard time but we got through it and I've never been more proud of my husband. Our little family has been back together now for about 6 months, living and breathing the day to day military life. There have been moments and days of frustration learning this new life but all in all, I still say it was the best move for our family, and it's all worth it knowing and seeing that my husband is happy and loves what he does.

When your spouse joins the military at at time when we've been at war for 12 years, you go in with your eyes open, knowing that deployment is in your future. But, like I said earlier, knowing something is a reality and being prepared for that reality are two totally different things. And from a few seasoned military wives that I've talked to, you can never really be prepared. You just do what you have to do. Doing what I have to do is the only thing that has kept me sane in the last couple of weeks and it's the only thing keeping me sane right now. My life is about to change drastically once again. As I prepare to send my husband to war, I know there are no guarantees. We've prepared for it as much as we possibly can. All of our "affairs" are in order and there is a chain of responsibility in the event of the worst case scenario. Things like that are not easy to think about and plan for but you do what you have to do, right?

The question comes to mind once again. Is this really my life? When my husband and I said, "I do," 10 years ago, I never imagined that this is where we'd be. But here we are. Here I am.

Our daughter is 5 years old and we are FINALLY expecting our second child later this year. We had begun to believe that we'd never have another child and just when I found myself being OK with that, I found out I was pregnant. We all were over the moon excited. It's been a rough pregnancy. Totally different from my first. The second trimester has been so refreshing so far. I feel a million times better and I can finally enjoy being pregnant. I never imagined that I would give birth to this child without his/her daddy there. I never imagined that I'd be here but here I am.

There are more changes to come over the course of this year and each one makes me question, "Is this really my life?"

Yes. Yes it is. Even though it's a life that is hard, filled with uncertainty, and sure to be full of tears and changes, it's a life worth living. It's a life to be proud of. It's a life that's in God's hands and there is no better place to be. So, if  you see me in the future just know that I'm relying on the Lord and doing what I have to do and that is what's getting me through.