Below you'll find the second entry in my Top Ten Blog Posts of 2011. "Sunday Morning and Black Pants" is a transparent look at my struggle with my weight and my journey to become healthier. I am happy to say that I can no longer wear the pants discussed in this post.
A few months ago, I stood, staring, at my closet. Tears pricked the corners of my eyes. Sunday's were supposed to be a day of rejoicing and a desire to meet with God's people and worship Him but here I was almost in tears wishing I could just crawl back in bed and stay in the over sized t-shirt and cotton, elastic waistband shorts that I was wearing. Getting dressed was emotionally exhausting and I had only myself to blame for the mess that I was in. With an exasperated sigh, I reached into the drawers in my closet and pulled out a pair of knee length, black, dress pants. I had no idea if they would fit or not. I got them on and buttoned them up, barely. Muffin top is not the word I would use to describe the fat spilling out over the top of these pants, it was much more than that. I don't recall what shirt I wore but I remember having to find something billowy that didn't cling to the mass above the top of my pants and long enough to cover how tight these pants were across my bum. Off to church we went and all the while praying that I wouldn't be noticed by many people. I tried to shut off the thoughts I was having about myself and concentrate on the sermon. All in all, I felt disgusting and disgusted with myself.
Flash back nearly 10 years ago and I was a slim, teen aged girl, and a pageant queen. I had no problem with my self-esteem and I felt great about myself. I wondered how I had gone from that person to the person I was now. On the inside, I still felt like that teen aged girl but the mirror told a different story. I remember being back in my hometown for a visit. I had gone out to eat in the neighboring town with some friends of mine and we ran into a former classmate whom I hadn't seen since graduation. After a brief chat, he congratulated me on my pregnancy! Abigail was around a year old at this time. I laughed it off and said, "no, I'm not pregnant, just fat." I had a smile on my face but on the inside I was dying of embarrassment. Not even that moment was enough for me to get behind my problem and make the changes necessary to fix it.
I can't say that the Sunday in front of my closet and getting ready for church that morning was my defining moment either but it was around that time that I decided I'd had enough. As the months have progressed those black pants have been a measuring stick so to speak on how well I've been doing. I've worn them off and on in the months since then and each time they've fit a little better but they've still been tight. It's been about a month since I've last worn them and today I decided that it was time to pull them out again. As I pulled them on and zipped them up, I sort of hesitated to button them. Would they still feel tight or would they reflect how well I've been doing and all the hard work that I've put in recently? I'm sure you've all heard the expression, "fit like a glove" and they did. They fit perfectly! They actually fit better than they did several years ago when I bought them. I added a button up shirt that I had bought in April and it fit better too.
For the first time in a long time, I actually felt really great about how I looked on the way to church this morning. My mind wasn't wondering about how people perceived me. Plus, I had run my first day of week 5 of C25K earlier and I was feeling good about running for five minutes, three times!
I do want to clarify that for me, this journey isn't all about how I look and what size clothing I end up wearing. It truly is about being healthier and doing what's best for my body and my family. Looking better and wearing smaller sizes is just part of the reward for living this healthier lifestyle.
Peace, Love, and Healthy Living,
Jessica
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