Still Struggling...

In my last post I told you that I was stuck. I've just had a really hard time since the beginning of the year. I had a couple of weeks where I just ate whatever I wanted and rarely exercised. Then I tried to get it back together and ended up losing the few pounds that I had gained. But ever since then, I have been stuck at this one weight. I know that I've got to do something different than what I've been doing and I also know that I've got to be more consistent with my eating. One of my problems right now is that I eat great about 5 days a week but I indulge a little too much about 2 days a week. Here lately, I've also been having days where no matter what I eat I can't seem to fill up. I am constantly hungry though out the day. And not just the I'm bored so I think I'm hungry. I'm talking that my stomach hurts and I feel sick because I'm so hungry. It's just plain weird.

Last week, I had a really bad day where I couldn't shake the negative feelings about my body. I had worked very hard the week before, upping my exercise and eating well consistently for all 7 days and the scale did not reward me. Once I gave in to those negative feelings, my emotions were all over the place and the negative feelings took root in other areas of my life. I no longer felt bad just about my weight and my body but about many other things. Luckily I have some great friends who encouraged me and gave me some sound advice and I was able to push those negative thoughts out and replace them with better ones.

I'm still struggling. I am so sick of the scale. At times the temptation is there to throw in the towel and give in. I'm not perfect. I don't have this figured out. But I do know that I've come too far to quit. I feel like if I can lose the next five pounds and get out of the slump that I am in that I will be able to focus better and continue on. But right now, I am stressed about the scale and maybe that's the problem. I've always been a stress eater. It's a struggle to eat healthy when I'm stressed. I still crave a big, greasy, sloppy hamburger when I feel that way. So I'm going to do some things differently. It will be trial and error until I can figure this out. I may end up gaining weight (I hope not) trying to figure it out but I've got to find something that works for me and soon.

The first thing that I am going to do is retire the scale...for two weeks. I weighed this morning so that I would have a true starting weight but after that I'm going to resist the temptation to step on it. I have to remember that I am not defined by a number on a scale. Yes, the scale is a measuring stick on how well I am doing with my healthy living and yes, I still have weight to lose so I'm going to need that scale but it's time for the two of us to take a break.

Secondly, I've contacted the head of personal training at my gym. I gave him a brief background on myself and what I am looking for and I'm waiting to hear back from him. I may not be able to afford any personal training at this time but I am hoping to get some advice and a little help from a professional.

Third, I've got to get over some fears. The gym can be intimidating. I'm a people watcher so don't give me that crap that nobody is paying any attention to me because I'm sure that I'm not the only person that goes to the gym and watches other people. There is also the fear of failure AND the fear of success. I'm sure you can understand why the fear of failure is there but success, really? Yes, what happens if I succeed? What happens if I get to my goal weight? Will I be able to maintain? What if I slip up and gain weight back? It's time to stop being afraid. Easier said than done though, right?

And fourthly, I've got to do some serious tweaking to my diet. I am hoping to get some advice on this when I sit down with the trainer at the gym. I've never been one to count calories. I hated counting points when I was doing Weight Watchers online a few years ago. I like things to be simple and easy but I may have to get over what I want and do what I need to do.

Living a healthy lifestyle is NOT easy. It's seriously one of the hardest things that I have ever done. I've had to change so much about my life. It's all been worth it and the truth is that even though it's been hard, I've enjoyed it. My friend Clara who recently had an epiphany about her weight loss journey and the plateau she had been experiencing likes to use this quote and I find it very appropriate:

CHOOSE YOUR HARD.

Peace,  Love, and Healthy Living,

Jessica

Stuck Like Glue

I'm sorry that I didn't tell you beforehand but I've been on a blogging break. I intentionally neglected you! Sorry about that! I had to.

Why?

Well, it seems that I had gotten really good about giving advice but not so good at taking it.

Have you ever been stuck? I mean, literally, stuck? Children get stuck all the time because they try to fit there bodies into spaces that aren't big enough for them. I can't tell you how many times over the last four years that I've answered the cry of my daughter only to find her stuck somewhere she wasn't supposed to be in the first place. I recall a time, not too long after my husband and I were married, that I got stuck.

Underneath the edges of our small kitchen table was this decorative "metal." The pattern on the inside of it was sort of loopy and open. One day, while having a discussion with my husband, I absentmindedly put my hand through one of the loops. It was a tight fit but I got in through there and then I couldn't get it back out. Now, I have a tendency to panic but at first, I calmly tried to pull my hand back out and couldn't and that's when the panic set in. I interrupted our conversation and begged my husband to help get me out. Well, he wasn't helping me fast enough and the panic kicked up a notch and I began to cry for him to get my daddy. I wasn't married long enough yet to realize that I should allow my husband to help me and not go calling for my daddy. But hey, my daddy can fix anything, and I wanted to get my hand back. I now know that my husband is great at fixing things. He is completely calm and level headed in any situation and I'm most definitely not. He got my hand out just fine.

Have you ever noticed that the majority of the time you are stuck, just like a child, it was because you were somewhere you weren't supposed to be. My hand wasn't supposed to be in the metal part of the table.

I haven't been stuck anywhere physically lately but I've been stuck mentally. One of my main goals for 2012 was to lose 30 pounds by my 29th birthday at the end of April. I am here to tell you that I've only lost 3 pounds towards that goal. In the last few weeks I have gained and lost 2 of those pounds over and over and over again. I've been stuck in my weight loss. Why? The answer is the same as before. I was somewhere I wasn't supposed to be. I was doing something I wasn't supposed to do.

The somewhere I wasn't supposed to be was...the couch. I was supposed to be outside running, or at the gym, or even inside doing a workout video but most recently I've been on the couch. The something I wasn't supposed to be doing was...eating things that are bad for me. I've grown completely slack in how I eat. Instead of enjoying things in moderation every once in a while, I've been enjoying the "bad" things on too much of a consistent basis.

I've been giving advice and not taking it. I know the right things to say and I know the right things to do but knowing something and doing it are two very different things. I've grown comfortable where I am. I feel better about myself, I look better in the mirror, and even though I've said it before that I don't have it figured out, the truth is I thought I did. I was not only comfortable but I was cocky. And that my friends, is a dangerous place to be. It was.

Over the last few weeks, even months, I've struggled with my love for food. I've struggled with my addiction to food. I DO NOT HAVE IT FIGURED OUT and I probably never will.

I had planned on not blogging again until I had finally gotten out of the 160's and back on track. After a long conversation with my  mom over the weekend she reminded me that people need to hear my struggles. After all, that's probably why most of you started reading my blog in the first place. I know that the advice is good and helpful but sometimes just knowing that someone else struggles the same way you do and doesn't have it figured out is a much better help than any advice.

I don't want to be stuck anymore and I'm doing my best to get unstuck. The thing about being stuck is that most often you can't get yourself out, you need help. Here is me asking for help. If you think about me this week, pray for me. Leave me a comment. Send me a message. We're in this together.

I'm off to take advantage of this beautiful weather and go for a walk with my daughter.

Peace, Love, and Healthy Living,

Jessica