It's been a little over a month since my husband left. I've considered journaling through this experience but truthfully, I haven't felt like it and as much as I like to write, I've never been one to stick with it. Journaling, that is. So, yes, he's been gone a little more than a month.
People ask me all the time, how he is doing? I respond the best that I can. Thankfully, we live in a world of advanced technology and I do get to send Facebook messages to him and hear from him that way, quite often. We are also able to Skype a couple times a week. However, I can't really answer that question. My thought process is, he's alive so he's good but he knows that I'm the type of person that's better off not knowing the gory details and there are a lot of things he's not allowed to share with me at all right now. We've been at war for 12 years. We've seen how something as heroic as serving your country can leave a man. He's in a war zone surrounded by people that hate him, hate us all. Americans. So, I really don't know how he's doing but I'll continue to say good as long as he's alive. That's all I can ask for.
The first few weeks, I got asked how I'm doing a lot but now not so much. I guess that people assume since I'm living with my parents that I can't be doing all that bad and I guess, really, I'm not. But living with my parents doesn't alleviate the pain in my heart and the emptiness in my chest. It doesn't stop the random barrage of tears that seem to come out of nowhere on unexpected days. It doesn't change the fact that I'm pregnant and he's missing everything. He won't be there to hold my hand and keep me calm during my c section. He won't be there to stay with me overnight in the hospital. He won't be there to drive us home. We've waited for this miracle for almost 6 years. We had become convinced that our beautiful Abigail would be our only child. Now, he's missing the big event and it hurts. It hurts more than I let on. I try and be as brave as I can for my girls, born and unborn. They need me.
I'm thankful for the support of my family and all they are doing for me while he is gone. They are making sacrifices too. And yes, they have made it easier but that doesn't mean it isn't hard.
I'm sorry for the things you are going through and how you feel. I think a lot of the time people just try to fix thing when really you just want to be heard. I hear you. I couldn't imagine going through what you are going through. I think being a stay at home mom, and plus a pregnant stay at home mom, can make a lot of women feel alone. Thats not even saying feeling alone without your husband being in the same country as you are going through so many changes. I don't like when people try too hard to make everything seem rosy by using God. But I do know He knew what you were going into when he gave you this baby. Try and keep your head up and focus on the gifts around you. I often need the same reminder. I'll be praying for you. Maybe if Ryan has time, since he's able to write you on Facebook, he could write short little notes to the baby while he is gone and you can make a book for her. Andrew isn't much of a note writer, I don't know if its all guys… but maybe thats a way he could be there for the baby. She will only hear stories of him being gone at her birth, but if she has a book of letters… that would be way more than most daughters have from their fathers. Praying for you Jess.
ReplyDeleteGreetings! I was hoping you would be able to answer my question I have about your blog! My name is Heather and my email is Lifesabanquet1(at)gmail(dot)com :-)
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