It's been a couple of months since my surgery for the removal of my tube including my baby. I haven't updated lately because there really hasn't been much to say. It's taken this long for me to begin to feel like myself again, to feel the dark cloud of anger and depression begin to lift.
The thing with grief is that it can suck you back in at any time, without any warning. Today has been one of those days. Maybe it's the fact that I haven't felt well all week or maybe it's because I finally had the last part of this madness done this week but I've felt overwhelmed today. I've felt anxious, tired, and emotional. I've caught myself thinking about our baby and how far along I should be. I've been over thinking about over thinking. It's a vicious cycle.
The last part of the madness was my HSG test. Basically a catheter was inserted into my cervix and dye was ran through my remaining tube to check for any blockages or problems that could cause infertility or another ectopic pregnancy. I was nervous and alone for this test. I was prepared for intense pain and bad results. But astonishingly enough there was neither. I haven't heard official word from my OBGYN yet but according to the doctor that did my test, my remaining tube is clear and I am good to go if we want to try for another baby.
That's the million dollar question. Do we want to try again? Part of me says no. Part of me doesn't want to risk the heart ache and grief a second time. Part of me just wants to move on. The other part of me, the one that's always wanted three kids says yes. Go for it. I'm not sure which part will win out. Only time will tell.
I know that I will live with this wound the rest of my life. It's a part of me. It's a part of who I am now. I'm still struggling to reconcile the person I was before the surgery with the person I am now. I know that somewhere there is a happy medium. One that will allow me to love and miss the baby that is no longer with us but not be a person tied down to her grief and pain. Someone who can live life to the fullest even when her arms are empty of a life she thought would be there.
While there really isn't any miracle advice that helps with these kinds of situations, I do know that our God compares to no other, and can do amazing things with our hearts and our wounds. It doesn't always feel like that will ever happen, but it does -- eventually. It doesn't mean the pain goes away completely, but it's not like it was before.
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