That's the word I would use to describe how I feel right now.
For the past few weeks my home has been filled with people I love. As our friends were packing for their move, the kitchen was one of the first things to be put away. Once I discovered they planned on eating sandwiches for their remaining time, I was having none of it. There was no way that I was going to toss out food on a regular basis while they ate poorly for a few weeks.
It was decided that I would cook each evening and they would come have dinner with us. What was designed to be a blessing to them turned out to be the greater blessing for me. I enjoyed every minute of it. I enjoyed the planning and cooking. I enjoyed the conversations over dinner. I enjoyed it when they lingered after dinner was finished and the kitchen was clean and we played games or goofed around. I enjoyed having my home filled with love and laughter.
Everything seems so quiet now. So empty. The rest of my family seems to be taking it pretty well but I'm struggling. Much more so than I ever imagined. It actually feels a lot like grief. I look around and see things left behind or things that remind me of them and the tears come unbidden. Yesterday morning as we drove to church, we passed by their old apartment, only a few away from ours. My heart was sad. I felt alone. You don't realize how much you need other people in your life. I was used to being alone and not having any friends. Now it sucks going back to that. My husband has people that he works with. After lunch he went out with a few to shoot his bow. I'm glad for him but it makes my loneliness feel sharper. I think the thing that bothers me the most is the feeling of being alone. Of course I have my own family but knowing that there were others who would be there for you, to have your back, made living here away from our own families much, much easier. I know it's part of life, especially military life, but as I've said before, knowing something and actually experiencing it are two totally different things.
I know it will get easier. Abigail starts back to school in a few weeks and our lives will be back on a routine. Once they are settled I fully expect FaceTime to be a huge part of our lives. And we are planning a trip to see them just after Christmas. Five months feels like a really long time but life has away of passing by in a hurry so it will be here before we know it.
One of the best ways of getting over things is to immerse yourself into a project. This time the project is me. I've neglected myself long enough. Since my hubby has been home and I lost the baby, I've slipped back into some really old and bad habits, mostly emotional eating which equals weight gain. I'm thoroughly disgusted with myself. I worked so hard to lose weight and get my life on track only to allow circumstances to control me instead of the other way around. So today, I'm getting back to the basics. I'm setting goals and writing them down. Starting with the larger goals and then smaller ones to help me attain the bigger ones. It's time to find myself again, to feel better. My posts will most likely be more frequent and more about weight loss and healthy living again. Those posts are more for me than anything else. I find that I need that accountability to stay on track. I hope you'll join me on my journey. Either by starting one of your own or by reading through mine.