Today, I am sitting here, wishing my hubby would get online so I could talk with him. I really, honestly, do not know how wives did it back in the day when the only form of communication was handwritten letters. I cannot imagine, going weeks without hearing anything from my husband. I would have gone crazy! Well, crazier than I already am. Ha! Say what you will about technology, but I, for one, am extremely grateful for how far it's come. Earlier this week, when I made my first post, I was feeling really down and anxious but after being able to Skype with my husband, see his face, and hear his voice, I felt refreshed and restored. I felt like I could make it through the rest of this deployment, however long we may still have.
I never knew that the end of deployment would feel worse than the beginning. Yes, the beginning was heartbreaking. I remember sobbing in my vehicle as we drove away from him and Fort Polk, headed to spend deployment with my family. It was so hard to get myself under control but I knew that for mine and Abigail's safety that it was necessary. I would be fine for an hour or so and then my mind would take me back to that moment, of walking away, not knowing when or if I'd see him again and my heart would break all over and the tears would come. Also, the dumb radio stations I was listening to kept playing songs like "American Solider" and "Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue" which did NOT help matters. It was probably because it was only a few days away from the fourth of July but it felt like torture.
Here we are, nearing the end, and I feel worse than in the beginning. Not so much sad as anxious, irritated, and stressed out. I met with a photographer yesterday, who is a fellow Army wife, and she said it's always the same with her. The beginning sucks but you're figuring out how to live your life without your spouse and there is so much to be responsible for and take care of and so you do it. The end is different. The anticipation is suffocating. You are just ready for it to be over. It's so close you can almost taste it but yet it's still so far because there are so many Army protocols and rules and regulations. All there to protect you and your solider, of course, but infuriating none the less.
Did I mention the photographer? She's amazing and she's going to be taking pictures at the homecoming ceremony! I am beyond EXCITED!!! I really wanted to have someone else be in charge of the picture taking, because, well, I want to be in the moment! I haven't physically touched my husband in almost 8 months! Abigail has not hugged her daddy in almost 8 months! We have an almost 3 month old that has never been held by her daddy. I want to BE in that moment but I want the pictures, the proof that the moment happened, raw emotions and all. I am so thankful that she is going to be there to record this amazing moment in our lives.
Today, I'm going shopping for a homecoming outfit. I know that my husband could probably care less what I'm wearing and probably won't even notice but it matters to me. As I'm sure it's mattered to all military wives who've been in this situation. I sort of had an idea in mind with some clothes I already had but when I actually tried the combo on together, it didn't work out how I imagined so now I'm back at square one. At least the kids outfits are taken care of.
Last week we bought materials for Abigail to make a sign to hold at the ceremony. So, this weekend we'll work on that to help us pass the time and hopefully keep me from dwelling on what's to come and stressing myself out.
It's funny how I never really felt the need to blog this whole time but now, I'm so full of emotions and words that I just need to get them out. Thanks for listening. Thanks for caring. I leave you with the motto that I've said to myself over and over this whole deployment and will continue to say because it's the truth...
"It is what it is!" I know that. So, when I feel myself stressing or being overly anxious, I have to remind myself of that and remember that worrying won't change anything.
"25 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? 26 If then you are not able to do as small a thing as that, why are you anxious about the rest?" Luke 12:25-26