At the end of this week, I'll have been back in Louisiana for a month. On the days where both girls are crying, I'm tired, and there are a million things to get done, I feel like I've been here forever. I feel like there is no end in sight. On other days when the sun is shining (a rare thing since we've been back), everything is quiet, my girls are smiling and happy, and I feel OK, I'm amazed at the length of time that has passed. I'm amazed that I've done it on my own. I knew coming back without my husband being home would be hard but there was just really no good time to come home and get our lives on a schedule before he comes back so we bit the bullet and just did it. It's been good for us. I've gotten things done and the house mostly in order. Abigail has gotten acclimated in a new school and Charlotte is finally comfortable in a new place and on a good routine. So now we are just waiting. Waiting is truly the hard part.
Nearly three years ago, when we were in a different situation, we were in a waiting period and I was having a hard time. You can read about that here. Waiting has never been my strong suit. I get frustrated, irritated, and upset. I just want what I want and I want it now. It's not a very Godly attitude and it's something I constantly have to work on and pray about. I try and distract myself or find something else to do when the wait seems excessive. But when you are a stay at home mom (which I wouldn't trade for the world) there is only so much cleaning, cooking, diaper changing you can do. So, I find myself sometimes with empty moments and in those moments my mind and heart are at war with each other. My mind tells me the facts, things I know to be true but my heart, it likes to ignore my mind and tell me something completely different. It makes me worry and feel frustrated. It reminds me that I'm lonely and anxious. I then try and remind myself of the facts and let my mind be in charge but it's easier said than done. I'm ready, beyond ready, for this season of life to be over. I'm ready for the elephant to get off my chest and for the rock in my stomach to disappear. I know, that we may find ourselves in a similar season again and maybe next time I'll be stronger and more ready for what's to come but for now, the end is near and I am extremely glad.
One of the things that I've been waiting on recently finally happened. I had thought all along, once this one things happens, I'll feel better for sure. But I don't. Not really. Now, I just have a new set of things to worry about and stress over. I guess in life, there are always things, no matter what your situation, that can drag you down, make you worry, fill mind and heart with stress and it's what you do in those situations that matter. I'm not proud of all my moments. There are times when I let it all control me instead of surrendering it and letting it go. But today, today is a new day. Today is a new chance to let it go and focus on the good.
There is an old adage that when I'm in the middle of letting the stress and anxiety control me, irritates me to no end but when I'm thinking clearly, it's a good reminder that better things are still to come..."This too shall pass." And it shall. There will come a moment in time, when deployment will be officially over. My husband will be home and our family will be whole again. Maybe then, I'll be able to look back over this time and see some good in it, instead of all the heartache, loneliness, sleepless nights, and anxiety that come at me from all sides now. So, for now, on this day, I'm choosing to breathe deeply, finish my coffee, and focus on the good. Like the beautiful baby sleeping away in her swing.